I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's never too late to be topless.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize