dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
