You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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