nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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