homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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