How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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