Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
