i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
