My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
