Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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