3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
