I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
