apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
