I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
