I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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