I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
