Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
