thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
