I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
