Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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