alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
