Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
