Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
