4 words: hood of his car
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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