So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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