You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
