bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
