life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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