I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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