is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
