her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
