oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
