i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
