party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
