I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Two words: blizzard sex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
