WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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