your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
