I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
