I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize