i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize