Did I show you my penis last night?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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