I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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