Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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