Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
