Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
