I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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