Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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