I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
