i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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