I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
