if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
