We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
