Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
