it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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