Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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