Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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