I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am naked and annoyed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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