Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We need to get me chipped asap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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