Jerry, you need to find god
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize