the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
