i think my mom watched the whole time
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
