I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i think i just lost a toe
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
