I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
