you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
